Jeff Conine: Man... Ball Player... Actor(s)?

Riveting title, I know. That's how you hook your audience. I won't bore you with my knowledge of great writing.

Now, there are many, many things that Hayden and I find hilarious and no one else cares about (see: the TV show Beastmaster, Maryland basketball players from the late 90s/early 2000s and former MLB pitcher and all around ass Jeff Nelson). However, in over twelve years of knowing HWKane or as I like to call him, The Magenta Manatee, there is one obscure sports mystery that has haunted us...

In 2003, Hayden and I were seniors in High School and the Florida Marlins were marching their way to a world series title (a series in which Jeff Nelson played by the way). Being obligated by the code of the Baseball Super fan, Hayden and I were forced to watch all 6 games even though we didn't care about either team. It was then that we realized that there was a familiar face on the field. Jeff Conine, veteran first baseman and one of our favorite obscure athletes, looked like someone and we didn't know who. Being seventeen year olds we literally had nothing better to do but spend the entire night trying to figure it out. No luck. In fact, we had no luck for weeks, maybe even months.

At this point you could be thinking to yourself "I could really use a fresca" or more likely "where is this going and why isn't this funny?" Stay with me here, things are about to make less sense and get even less funny.

At some point, one of us happened to catch the movie version of "Les Miserables" starring Liam Neeson and Jeff Conine. We had solved the mystery, Jeff Conine was Jean Valjean and would be for several years to come. Any time we saw him and his gigantic nose we laughed hysterically and said "Jean Valjean" in a ridiculous and COMPLETELY accurate french accent.

The unknown actor who looks like Jeff Conine didn't even freaking play Jean Valjean (the plot thickens) but hey, I didn't invent acting so I don't know these things. Eventually, Hayden aka the Alaskan Albatross, pointed out that the Jeff Conine look alike was actually Javert, the police inspector. Oops. I wonder if anyone else has put this kind of effort into something so pointless? Probably not because this story is far from over.

We continued with our COMPLETELY accurate and FAIR french accents and relentless fun poking of Mr. Conine for you know, another half dozen years. I have to imagine that if he were to somehow become aware of this he would likely 1. hurt himself and everyone around him 2. enter intense therapy 3. put a bounty on our heads.

* Intermission *

Eventually, we found a problem in our on going Conine Theory. There was an actor who looked exactly like him and we needed to know who this person was. We had to take it to the next level. This became an extremely important issue in our lives for like 4-5 minutes before I recalled the movie in my memory and decided that actor was James Woods. This was an important issue? Couldn't you have done some research instead of just taking a shot in the dark? Don't question the process.

So Jeff Conine aka Jean Valjean (insert accent) aka Javert (insert accent) aka James Woods at this point had become a legend in our lives. Someone we would tell our wives and children about to blank stares and dropped jaws. We had finally won the battle of Conine and we wore our medals proudly. But of course, like any good horror story or in the career of Brett Fav-re there was another twist. The killer came back sending inappropriate pictures via text message. The nightmare had a final chapter.

Last week, I attended a showing of the film "The King's Speech" (fabulous movie by the way). I was really impressed with the acting of the main characters, specifically Geoffrey Rush. I came home and hopped right on wikipedia to look up some other movies he had been in. I scrolled down, down and down farther. What did I see?

GEOFFREY RUSH PLAYED JAVERT IN LES MISERABLES!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?!? IS MY LIFE A LIE?!? DO I HAVE A GROWING PROBLEM AND NOT A GOING PROBLEM LIKE I HAD BEEN LED TO BELIEVE?!?

I immediately text messaged the Tanzanian Terror (Sorry, that's Hayden) with this shocking (kind of) news. Finally, we had done it. It was over and frankly I think Jeff Conine has beaten us several times over. We have both since tried to explain this astounding waste of our time to friends and family but no one gets it.

This story will always have a special place in our heart of hearts and we are both beyond confident that no one will ever understand our journey. You say it's a waste of time, we say it's a commitment to obscure hilarity.

We both sincerely apologize to anyone who read this whether it be family, friends, girlfriends/fiances, or those who are in foreign countries being forced to read this by the people who are holding them.

- RDP

PS - I've never seen these three men in the same room at the same time. Have you? No. Think about it.

Warning Track Power on why today is a GREAT day

Pitchers and catchers report.

Thursday tidbits 2/10/11

A Quote

Jerry Sloan shocked the world when he stepped down as Utah Jazz head coach:

"I had a feeling this time was the time to move on."

This is the latest example of the disgusting amount of control that NBA players currently hold. Thanks to Carmelo, there has been minimal coverage of star point guard Deron Williams's disruptive behavior in Utah. Williams is a free agent following next season, and he has already taken over the franchise with implied threats to leave. It is not unreasonable to speculate that Sloan's sudden resignation was urged by attempts to keep Williams happy. It has been rumored that he was unhappy with Sloan's offensive scheme, presumably because he is jealous when he watches Derrick Rose play. You know, that annoying offense that a hall-of-famer built and kept in place for 23 years.

Being a players' league is one thing, but this is too extreme. The players have far too much power as soon as they can threaten free agency, as franchises lose seasons at a time trying to "please" them. Something has got to give. Mark Kizla wrote an interesting take on this issue as it concerns the Denver Nuggets.

A Video

Filling in for Mike and Mike (espnradio.com), Doug Gottlieb and Marcellus Wiley discuss the NFL's labor dispute. There are a lot of issues at play: rookie salaries, 18 game schedule, health coverage for former players. I am not mentioning this to touch on any of those items.

I just want to encourage fans of other sports, say baseball or basketball, to find another station to keep up with the latest news starting March 3rd. Because that's when the NFL lockout likely will start, and that is when ESPN will spin into super-hyper-NFL-coverage mode. In the offseason.

A Photo

Nuggets guard Arron Afflalo reacts (shouts!) after making a game winning jumper against the Dallas Mavericks. At times this season, any success has been difficult for us fans to enjoy. This was an exception, as Afflalo has been steady, classy, and easy to cheer for from the moment he joined the team.

A Tweet

@TroyRenck: My latest blog on Why Michael Young is not a Rockie: http://dpo.st/e8K1Ix

It sounds like Michael Young to the Rockies has become a long-shot, but I am optimistic it still might happen. To my eye, the Rangers cannot keep Young after he blasted management, calling them "manipulative." Unless a suitor emerges that has not been mentioned in the rumors so far, it looks like the Rangers will be faced with two choices: keep the unhappy Young and count on his professionalism as the season approaches, or eat money to get rid of an openly unhappy player.

Renck thinks that the Rangers are in the driver's seat of any potential trade. I disagree. I think as Spring Training approaches, the prospect of Young staying on the team whose management he publicly criticized will be too distracting, and they will be forced to trade him (perhaps for a less than desirable package). And maybe if the Rockies wait, they can get him for a package with which they are comfortable.

One more thing: if you're the Rangers, how do you phase out Michael Young? I understand Elvis Andrus and Ian Kinsler are big time players up the middle, but the Adrian Beltre signing looked desperate to me. Check out Beltre's career statistics - he showed up big in his two contract years. That's it. And in the first of those contract years, his performance would seem....ahem....enhanced (21 HR, 23 HR, 48 HR, 19 HR, 25 HR. get serious). When Beltre is pedestrian in the third year of his long term deal, here's thinking the Rangers will regret phasing out the steady Young.

An Announcement

Warning Track Power has expanded! Look forward to the lively opinions of Ryan Presley ( @RockiesBBall24). You may know him from the well-read and well-established Pain Train blogs and podcasts.

Teaser: his first entry is about Jeff Conine. I know that peaked your attention...

Almost Forgot...

I'm excited that the Packers won the Super Bowl just because I like the individual personalities on that team, especially Aaron Rodgers. And I am very happy to see that the championship belt celebration is getting the play it deserves.

Links

Tom Friend on William Perry's life after the NFL http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/2010/news/story?id=6091766

Jeff Goodman on stories to watch in NCAA men's basketball http://msn.foxsports.com/collegebasketball/story/College-basketball-stories-to-watch-021011

Marc Lancaster writes about the challenge of trading Michael Young http://mlb.fanhouse.com/2011/02/09/finding-michael-young-trade-partner-a-tough-task-for-rangers/

Sarah Kwak presents some thoughts on the state of the NHL http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/sarah_kwak/01/28/ASG.strawpoll/index.html

Thursday tidbits 1/27/11

I could read James Boswell's The Life of Samuel Johnson (new and unabridged, only 1,245 pages!)...or I could write a blog. Here are Thursday tidbits, ex post facto.

A Quote

New Rockie Ty Wigginton said this when asked if he had any statistical goals for the upcoming season:

"I've never set goals going into a season. The only goal I set is to go out and play the game with the respect it deserves. The numbers, they take care of themselves."

Anybody else just fall in love with our new utility man? A key question for the Rockies is if Wigginton and fellow new-comer Jose Lopez can provide the pop from the right side that the team lacked last season. It certainly is refreshing to see this approach to a bench role, and here's hoping it will rub off on the other Rockie pinch hitters to be. For instance, Seth Smith hinted that last season he tried to hit home runs every time he was up because he wanted to prove that he deserved more playing time. Ick. Smith says he will right that wrong this year with a better approach. Hopefully he and the other role players adopt Wigginton's refreshing attitude.

A Video

Courtesy of ESPN.com, Adam Schefter explains Jeff Fisher's surprising split with the Tennessee Titans. As Schefter explains it, the situation makes more sense. In what would have been an "uneasy truce," Fisher was gone after his contract ran out at the end of the season no matter what happened. So rather than delay that inevitability, Fisher and the Titans parted ways now. It does make the decision to move on from Vince Young a bit confusing, since that was portrayed as a move paired with a commitment to Fisher as head coach.

Question - how many teams that hired new coaches this offseason wish they would have known this was coming? Jeff Fisher is a class act and a great coach, but it looks like we'll have to wait until 2012 to see where he will coach next.

A Photo

A week old photo, but here is Carmelo Anthony in the training room with Birdman Chris Andersen. Did I mention I think they should trade him soon?

A Tweet

@nuggetsnews (Benjamin Hochman): what is this, duke-virginia? shelden williams has 8 pts in 9 min and he's headin to the line for FTs

This comical ACC reference was because of Williams's hot start against the Detroit Pistons on Wednesday night. As we prepare for life after 'Melo, we should get used to cheering for guys like Shelden Williams and Gary Forbes.

Links

Tom Verducci writes about a shift in how older players are utilized http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/tom_verducci/01/28/young.wells/index.html?eref=sihp

Bill Simmons writes about age-defying NBA superstars http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/110128&sportCat=nba

Ben McGrath writes about the NFL's concussion crisis http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/01/31/110131fa_fact_mcgrath?currentPage=all

I've shared this one before, but I want to recommend again Amy K. Nelson's piece on a true class act, Jim Joyce http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/otl/news/story?id=5993137

Dear Carmelo Anthony...

...it's me, Hayden Kane. I am one of the many, many Denver Nuggets fans who are grappling with your imminent departure. Since the beginning of the season, I've been on your case pretty hard for taking our season hostage (as my 4 loyal readers can attest). So in this letter, I want to tell you a few stories in hopes you'll understand where your fans are coming from on this situation.

I played on a recreation YMCA basketball team my senior year of high school (2004). We called ourselves the YMCA Men at Work (respect). I selfishly snagged #15 out of the box of baby blue and white jerseys. Why? It was out of excitement for the player who was rescuing our Denver Nuggets from oblivion, the player who was leading us out of the days of sub-20 win seasons. In case you're wondering, I did not play like you. I think I averaged like 0.6 points a game. Anyway...

Later that year, you were arrested for having marijuana in your backpack. Shortly thereafter, it came to light that you were in an underground DVD entitled "Stop Snitching." Remember? A lot of fans struggled to continue cheering for a gangster (whether it was fair to call you that or not). You also announced in the video that you threw your Olympic Bronze medal in a lake. Writers questioned your class and your maturity. Ultimately, along with most Nuggets fans, I decided to stick it out with you. Why? Because you were our guy.

Two years later, the Denver Nuggets were officially relevant again. In a town that was lacking a true superstar, you had stepped up. Year after year, our team made the playoffs. No matter how unceremoniously you were dismissed in the first round, we were all grateful that you had returned the franchise to relevance. Then comes the second story of which I want to remind you.

A collective sadness overcame fans and journalists who follow the NBA on December 16, 2006. Many said the league would take a long time to recover from this most recent stain on its image. From what? There was an ugly brawl involving the Denver Nuggets and the New York Knicks in which you, among 9 others, threw punches. Your role became especially well known because of your hasty retreat after your punch. The result was a myriad of insults directed at you: coward, (expletive), thug, idiot, so on. We could not help but ask ourselves, "Can we keep cheering for this guy?"

And yet we stuck with you. We knew you were not a thug. I even went the extra mile, defending your apparently cowardly retreat. I confidently told my friends: "He just got out of there because he realized what a mistake he had made, and he didn't want the situation to get any worse." The video played again and again. You were suspended for 15 games. Yet again, fans and writers questioned whether you had the maturity to be a franchise player. We defended you. Why? Because you were our guy.

Fast forward two more years. Story #3. The Nuggets were playoff bound again, and there was a buzz among fans about the duo of 'Melo and Allen Iverson. Nobody could defend you two. We talked trash to our friends who cheered for other teams: "You're going to guard 'Melo and AI? Get serious. Our guys have a shot this year."

Then came the last day of the season, April 16, 2008, and you got arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence. We could not believe it. Now? Of all times? We hoped against hope that your actions would not hamper the playoff run. We were angry that you were so irresponsible.

In the end, we accepted your apology. You were our franchise player. We were willing to move on and cheer for you in the playoffs. Why? Because you were our guy.

It's tough to watch a franchise player leave

To your credit, you seem to have completely moved on from these character issues. That excited us as fans, because we stuck with you all these years. After each incident (drugs, video, fight, arrest), we hoped that if we stayed loyal, you would come out on the other side.

We got our pay-off. An exciting run to the Western Conference finals. A team that looked ready to continue to challenge the evil Lakers. The 2009-2010 season was a setback. But we figured it would not be any more than that. This past offseason the Nuggets offered you an extension, and we were told you would most likely sign it. You would remain our franchise player. The Nuggets were here to stay.

Not so much. You know the story from there. 'Melo drama. Will it be the Nets? Will it be the Knicks? Will the Bulls part with Joakim Noah? Would you ever change your mind and stay? Why are fans booing?

Let's be clear about what you did do. You did not sign the extension. You formally requested a trade to either the Bulls or Knicks. You announced, in no uncertain terms, your intentions of leaving this team. When we learned about those developments, we were upset. We've got hurt feelings. (cue Flight of the Conchords).

We wish that you wanted to stay. We wish you would reward our loyalty. Yes, we understand that you appreciated the loyalty over the years. We understand that you have every right to move on to another team. And we hope you know we will always appreciate what you did for this franchise.

You should also know we are fans. We reserve the right to be irrational. We reserve the right to overreact. Right now, we are mad that you are not staying. We are mad that you are not rewarding us after we stuck with you through all of your issues. We are mad that we have to watch our team rebuild (again). So we are booing you.

In a Sports Illustrated interview, you got after us for booing: "People throw away that whole seven-and-a-half years, and that's what makes me laugh. Because I'm like, me? Out of all people, you're booing me? Out of all the people." (courtesy of "What Is This Man Thinking?" by Ian Thomsen in 1.24.11 issue).

Here's where you're wrong. We are not throwing away those years. I'll say it again: we will never forget your years here. We're booing because we're upset now. Our actions today do not automatically link to our feelings about the last 7.5 years. If that was how things worked, we could just as easily accuse you of throwing away those years, of throwing away our loyalty to you.

So let us deal with it, and we'll try to let you deal with your departure. Hopefully some day you'll return in another uniform and get a huge ovation when you are introduced. Because once these wounds heal, most fans will gain perspective and settle on the most important thing we can say to you, which is thanks.

We just don't want you to leave. So don't treat us like idiots who don't understand. We do understand, and we'll get over it.

Until that time, we've got hurt feelings.


Your fan,
Hayden W. Kane

Thursday tidbits 1/20/11

A Quote

Kobe Bryant had this to say about Denver Nuggets fans booing Carmelo Anthony:

"That's stupid...It has nothing to do with (Anthony wanting) a bigger market. It's about winning. If you want to keep a player here, make the right decisions. Make the right choices with personnel, get a team around a guy to help you win, and there would be no problems."

When asked if Denver might be a destination for the 'Melo man even after he hits free agency, Kobe said this:

"Then Denver will make the right decisions, bring in the right personnel, and he'll stick around. It's not rocket science...I know for me, it's all about winning. In my situation (when he asked to be traded by the Lakers a while back), we weren't spending the money to get players -- they had me playing around with Smoosh Parker. Until they decided to make the necessary sacrifices financially to get a team that's competitive, I didn't want to be (with the Lakers). It's as simple as that."

First of all, what did Smoosh ever do? How did he end up getting dragged into this mess?

I understand that Kobe wants to stick up for his buddy. But it really is not fair to the situation to paint this as a failure on the part of the Nuggets front office.

They have surrounded Carmelo with talent; admittedly that group ultimately fell short, but they acquired big names and good role players to support 'Melo. Spend money? The Nuggets have been paying the luxury tax for essentially the duration of the Anthony era. Even when owner Stan Kroenke demanded that management get below the luxury tax line, they did not exactly leave the cupboards bare (unless fans really miss Dhantay Jones).

When Carmelo ends up with the New York Knicks, either through a semi-desperate trade by the Nuggets in the next month or in free agency after the season, he will be in a very similar situation as far as player personnel. All points, no defense. As the Knicks are learning right now and the Nuggets have learned again and again, that does not get it done.

Carmelo and Kobe have both said that this is just about winning, and that's simply not true. If it was, he would have signed the extension. Like I have been saying all along, the question of whether he would return to Denver was answered before the season started. No extension, no return.

The Nuggets front office must get value for him. Even if it's minimal value, that's better than nothing. The idea that they will make some run this season that would persuade him to return as a free agent is a pipe dream (see: Cavaliers, Cleveland). In the mean time, all this talk about him "wanting to win" is just noise filling the space until he leaves. And yes, we get to boo. I have more to say about this in my letter to 'Melo.

Oh, and Kobe. Let me say this on behalf of all Colorado basketball fans. Three words: No means No.

A Video

Boomer Esiason discusses the key players in this weekend's conference championship games.

Warning Track Power's predictions: The Pittsburgh Steelers win in a grind over the New York Jets, whose offense will learn first-hand how important Troy Polamalu is. Final score: Steelers 17, Jets 6. The Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers will play a close game, which exposes how good the Bears defense is and how inept their offense is (when they have to play a good defense). Aaron Rodgers is held mostly in check, but Jay Cutler will make one key mistake that swings the game. Final score: Packers 14, Bears 10.

A Photo

Check out this photo of John Fox being introduced as the Denver Broncos coach. Most fans should like this hire. It is not reasonable to assume that Fox will bring a quick turnaround. However, his hiring represents some steps in the right direction. He is a defensive-minded coach and works within the model of a separate general manager and coach. This hire should be a good early step in rebuilding the orange and blue.

A Tweet

@TroyRenck: Owner dick monfort said opening day is soldout. Will double check it. Said almost all tix were gone in 30 minutes of sales

This is referring to Colorado Rockies owner Dick Monfort. It is very exciting to know that Colorado fans are already gearing up for baseball season. The Rockies have the opportunity to steal the show, with Tulo and CarGo emerging as the faces of Colorado sports (besides that Tebow guy).

Links

Dave Krieger on the need to end the 'Melo drama: http://www.denverpost.com/krieger/ci_17154182

Peter King previews the upcoming conference championship games: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/peter_king/01/21/conference-championships/index.html?eref=sihp

Dan Wetzel writes about a surprising performance enhancer: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news;_ylt=AkoxrHllXcGoWdzJOKaa.k85nYcB?slug=dw-deerantlers011911

Thursday tidbits 1/6/11

A Quote

This is a bit dated, but here is what Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell had to say when the week 16 Eagles v. Vikings game was postponed due to a blizzard:

"We've become a nation of wussies. The Chinese are kicking our butts in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? He's right... (he is Will Bunch of the Philadelphia Daily News)...the people would have been marching down to the game. They would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."

Governor Rendell also commented that Vince Lombardi would be disgusted at the decision. Numerous writers have focused on that particular claim and noted its shortcomings (example: but wouldn't Lombardi also object to free agency?). People have also focused on the "nation of wussies" comment, either agreeing or disagreeing with him. But let me stop you at, "If this game was in China..."

If this game was in China? The NFL is the embodiment of American consumerism. There is no "if this game was in China," because the macho, manly issues of money and toughness that were up for debate are distinctly our own (for better or worse). From a politician, this comment, or the passing on of this comment, is offensively stupid. And that's not even mentioning the calculus part...

A Video

Courtesy of ESPN.com, Blake Griffin's best dunks. The guy is an absolute beast, but what makes this that much more of a good story for the NBA is Griffin's success in returning from injury and the fact he has done so with such a calm, mature demeanor. It is ideal that there is a player for fans to get excited about who is not a "me! me! me!" guy. Any time the Clippers are the late game of a TNT or ESPN doubleheader, we would all be wise to tune in to see Mr. Griffin.

A Photo

Check out this gallery of SI.com's X-factors for the upcoming wild card weekend. The two I find the most intriguing are running backs Reggie Bush and Joseph Addai. They both were largely forgotten during the regular season but will be relied upon heavily if either team hopes to win. Actually that's true of the Colts against the Jets but not the Saints. The Saints would house the Seattle Seahawks if Bush lined up at linebacker.

A Tweet

@Jay_Glazer: I gotta say, the way Miami is going about this is wrong. You don't interview other candidates when a HC is still there. just bad biz

Fox sport's Glazer is referring to the Miami Dolphins courting Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh while their current coach Tony Sparano is still in place. This is not the first offseason there has been a hot coaching candidate, but hasn't the interest in Harbaugh gotten a bit out of hand? There is talk that he may be one of the highest paid head coaches in the league, and now the Dolphins are doing this. Did everybody forget that he has not yet coached in the NFL? I understand the thinking that he will be a smash hit in the league, but here's hoping our Denver Broncos don't get as crazy as these other teams in their pursuit of him.

An Interesting and Wholly Unsurprising Rumor

Courtesy of Fanhouse, the NFL will consider changing it's playoff seeding format.

A Suggestion

Enjoy wildcard weekend. It is one of the great weekends to settle in and watch sports on television.

Links

SI's Joe Lemire writes about the baseball Hall of Fame's new "international flavor:" http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2011/writers/joe_lemire/01/06/blyleven.alomar.hall/index.html?eref=sihp

Tracy Ringolsby writes about MLB managers and GM's who might already be on the hot seat http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/MLB-managers-general-managers-already-on-hot-seat-for-2011-122910

Rick Reilly on TCU's Rose Bowl victory and the need for a college football playoff http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=5984364

Finally, in a very entertaining article, SI.com's Richard Deitsch gives his 2010 sports media awards http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/writers/richard_deitsch/12/27/2010media.awards/index.html