Now, there are many, many things that Hayden and I find hilarious and no one else cares about (see: the TV show Beastmaster, Maryland basketball players from the late 90s/early 2000s and former MLB pitcher and all around ass Jeff Nelson). However, in over twelve years of knowing HWKane or as I like to call him, The Magenta Manatee, there is one obscure sports mystery that has haunted us...
In 2003, Hayden and I were seniors in High School and the Florida Marlins were marching their way to a world series title (a series in which Jeff Nelson played by the way). Being obligated by the code of the Baseball Super fan, Hayden and I were forced to watch all 6 games even though we didn't care about either team. It was then that we realized that there was a familiar face on the field. Jeff Conine, veteran first baseman and one of our favorite obscure athletes, looked like someone and we didn't know who. Being seventeen year olds we literally had nothing better to do but spend the entire night trying to figure it out. No luck. In fact, we had no luck for weeks, maybe even months.
At this point you could be thinking to yourself "I could really use a fresca" or more likely "where is this going and why isn't this funny?" Stay with me here, things are about to make less sense and get even less funny.
At some point, one of us happened to catch the movie version of "Les Miserables" starring Liam Neeson and Jeff Conine. We had solved the mystery, Jeff Conine was Jean Valjean and would be for several years to come. Any time we saw him and his gigantic nose we laughed hysterically and said "Jean Valjean" in a ridiculous and COMPLETELY accurate french accent.
The unknown actor who looks like Jeff Conine didn't even freaking play Jean Valjean (the plot thickens) but hey, I didn't invent acting so I don't know these things. Eventually, Hayden aka the Alaskan Albatross, pointed out that the Jeff Conine look alike was actually Javert, the police inspector. Oops. I wonder if anyone else has put this kind of effort into something so pointless? Probably not because this story is far from over.
We continued with our COMPLETELY accurate and FAIR french accents and relentless fun poking of Mr. Conine for you know, another half dozen years. I have to imagine that if he were to somehow become aware of this he would likely 1. hurt himself and everyone around him 2. enter intense therapy 3. put a bounty on our heads.
* Intermission *
Eventually, we found a problem in our on going Conine Theory. There was an actor who looked exactly like him and we needed to know who this person was. We had to take it to the next level. This became an extremely important issue in our lives for like 4-5 minutes before I recalled the movie in my memory and decided that actor was James Woods. This was an important issue? Couldn't you have done some research instead of just taking a shot in the dark? Don't question the process.
So Jeff Conine aka Jean Valjean (insert accent) aka Javert (insert accent) aka James Woods at this point had become a legend in our lives. Someone we would tell our wives and children about to blank stares and dropped jaws. We had finally won the battle of Conine and we wore our medals proudly. But of course, like any good horror story or in the career of Brett Fav-re there was another twist. The killer came back sending inappropriate pictures via text message. The nightmare had a final chapter.
Last week, I attended a showing of the film "The King's Speech" (fabulous movie by the way). I was really impressed with the acting of the main characters, specifically Geoffrey Rush. I came home and hopped right on wikipedia to look up some other movies he had been in. I scrolled down, down and down farther. What did I see?
GEOFFREY RUSH PLAYED JAVERT IN LES MISERABLES!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!? WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?!? IS MY LIFE A LIE?!? DO I HAVE A GROWING PROBLEM AND NOT A GOING PROBLEM LIKE I HAD BEEN LED TO BELIEVE?!?
I immediately text messaged the Tanzanian Terror (Sorry, that's Hayden) with this shocking (kind of) news. Finally, we had done it. It was over and frankly I think Jeff Conine has beaten us several times over. We have both since tried to explain this astounding waste of our time to friends and family but no one gets it.
This story will always have a special place in our heart of hearts and we are both beyond confident that no one will ever understand our journey. You say it's a waste of time, we say it's a commitment to obscure hilarity.
We both sincerely apologize to anyone who read this whether it be family, friends, girlfriends/fiances, or those who are in foreign countries being forced to read this by the people who are holding them.
- RDP
PS - I've never seen these three men in the same room at the same time. Have you? No. Think about it.
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